Is My Emotionally Unavailable Parent a Narcissist? Or is it OCPD?

Many people jump to the conclusion that their emotionally unavailable parents are Narcissists, but statistically speaking, they are more likely to have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). And this is if they are at the severity threshold for a diagnosis.

Before we begin, I want to preface that I may be a therapist, but I am likely not YOUR therapist, and even more likely not your parent’s therapist. The following post is informational only and is not intended for you or me to diagnose your parents. Diagnosing should only be done by a licensed professional working directly with your parent. Please also note that though diagnosis may be helpful in understanding a family member’s behaviors, diagnosing was systematically designed for the purpose of billing insurance and therefor has its limitations.

What are personality disorders?

Personality disorders are mental health conditions that have a high correlation to childhood trauma and/or a dysfunctional childhood environment. They are a person’s way of adapting to their environment and experiences. Symptoms commonly begin in adolescence and include:

• Rigid thinking

• Distorted perceptions of reality

• Significant distress or impairment in personal, professional, and social lives

• Patterns of behavior that are long-lasting and all-encompassing

• Difficulty recognizing the problematic behaviors and negative effects on others

In addition to trauma, genetic predispositions, temperament, and neurobiological differences also play into the occurrence of personality disorders.

Characteristic of Emotionally Unavailable Parents

Though behaviors and diagnosis may vary, all emotionally unavailable parents hold some characteristics in common.

• Unable to have difficult conversations where they may have to reflect on their own behaviors

• Dismissiveness or critical towards their children

• Prioritize work, social life, or hobbies over children

• Impatience, dismissiveness, or indifference towards their children’s emotions

• Lack of active listening when their children speak (listen but don’t HEAR)

• Show minimal interest in their children’s lives (don’t ask sincere questions out of interest)

• Inconsistency in emotional responses, alternating between warmth and distance

OCPD vs. Narcissism in Emotionally Unavailable Parents

According to the DSM-V-TR, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is the most common personality disorder, affecting 1.9-7.8% of adults. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the second most common affecting 1.6-5.9%. And Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is the third most common affecting 0.5-5% of adults.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a chronic mental health condition that is characterized by perfectionism, preoccupation with order, or creating order, a compulsive need to follow rules typically rooted on morality, difficulty discarding items, inflexibility about morals and ethics, and an overwhelming need for control. This can lead to emotional distance as they prioritize orderliness over relational warmth.

Though some of the symptoms may look similar, at their core (internal narrative and intentions) the following are the main differences between OCPD and NPD.

**AI generated table of information

Healing from Emotional Unavailability

Growing up with a parent who has OCPD can have significant effects on a child's emotional development and well-being. Children of parents with OCPD may experience:

1. Perfectionism and Self-Criticism: Children may internalize their parent's high standards and become overly critical of themselves

2. Anxiety and Stress: The rigid environment and high expectations can lead to chronic anxiety and stress in children

3. Difficulty Expressing Emotions: Children may learn to suppress their emotions to avoid conflict with their perfectionistic parent

4. Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and inability to meet impossibly high standards can erode a child's self-esteem

5. Relationship Difficulties: Children may struggle to form healthy relationships due to learned patterns of rigidity and emotional unavailability

Recovering from the effects of emotionally unavailable parenting requires time and intentional effort. Key steps include:

1. Acknowledging the Impact: Recognizing how your parent’s behavior shaped your beliefs is the first step toward healing.

2. Setting Boundaries: Learning to prioritize your needs can help break cycles of codependency.

3. Seeking Support: Therapy can provide tools for emotional regulation and self-discovery.

4. Building Healthy Relationships: Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals fosters trust and self-worth.

Remember, while understanding your parent's potential disorder can be helpful, it's crucial to focus on your own healing and growth. It's not your responsibility to diagnose or change your parent, but you can work on changing your responses and healing from the effects of growing up in an emotionally unavailable environment. Ultimately, whether a parent has OCPD, NPD, or exhibits traits of emotional unavailability without meeting the threshold for any diagnosis, the impact on children can be significant. The key is to recognize these patterns, understand their effects, and take steps towards healing and establishing healthier relationships moving forward.

If you want to know more, check out therapy for those with Emotionally Unavailable Parents or contact me with any questions.