When Bonds Bruise: Recognizing Attachment Wounds

Many of us struggle with relationships, whether with family, friends, or romantic partners. Sometimes the root cause goes back to our very first relationships as infants - the emotional bond with our parents. If your relationship with either one or your parents was unstable, inconsistent, or unhealthy, regardless of the reasons, it can lead to what's known as an “attachment wound” or insecure attachment style.

Attachment wounds stem from issues such as neglect, inconsistent parenting, abuse, or separation from caregivers before the age of 3 years old. This disrupts the normal development of attachment security - the deep sense that one's needs will be reliably met and that they are worthy of love.

So, how can you tell if you might have an attachment wound impacting your adult relationships? Here are some potential signs to watch out for:

You Crave Closeness But Then Push People Away.

One core feature of attachment issues is having a deep yearning for intimacy and closeness, but then sabotaging those connections out of anxiety or fear. You might find yourself quickly becoming infatuated and wanting to spend all your time with a new partner. But then you get overwhelmed, start doubting if they really care about you, and create distance until the person gets fed up and leaves.

You Have Rigid Expectations For Others

Because early attachment needs weren't consistently met, those with insecure attachment may have very black-and-white beliefs about how others "should" behave in relationships. You might cut friends off at the first mistake or expect partners to be mind-readers about your wants and needs. This stems from a difficulty understanding how unconditional healthy bonds work.

You Struggle With Trusting Others

Trust is extremely difficult if you grew up with an unstable or inconsistent caregiver. Even in otherwise happy relationships, you may constantly fear abandonment or wait for the other shoe to drop. You read into minor things as signs the person is lying or doesn't truly care about you. This makes it very hard to actually relax and be vulnerable.

Your Emotions Are Intense And Change Frequently

Attachment trauma often results in poor coping skills and emotional dysregulation. Little things that shouldn't be that big a deal spin you into extremes of anger, depression, or anxiety. Your moods may cycle rapidly between feeling lovingly attached to someone and then intensely distrusting them, all in the same day (no, this does not mean your Bipolar).

You Have An Insecure Self-Image

A lack of secure attachment can create profound shame and low self-worth. When you’re not treated as a priority as a child, you develop the core belief that you’re “not good enough.” You can develop a harsh inner critic that causes you to see yourself as unlovable or foundationally flawed. This often fuels unhealthy relationship patterns like codependency, people-pleasing, or even abuse in an effort to feel validated by others.

You Turn To Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

When we can't get our attachment needs met in healthy ways, it's common to turn to emotional Band-Aids like substance abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, or high-risk sexual behaviors. These temporarily distract and/or numb attachment-related fears and needs.

If many of these resonated with you, you may want to explore healing your attachment wound through therapy, reading up on attachment theory. Living with the impact of relational trauma is very painful, but you can develop more secure ways of connecting. With guidance and self-compassion, you can absolutely have the fulfilling bonds and connection you crave and deserve, without the constant fear.

If you suspect you might have grown up with an emotionally unavailable parent, and would like to address attachment wounds, you can learn more about Therapy for Emotional Neglect or contact me now with any questions.