What Are Emotionally Unavailable Parents Like?

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat - we all want to feel loved and accepted by our parents. It's hardwired into us from birth, especially because we had to attach to our parents for the purpose of survival. So when your parents are emotionally unavailable, it can mess with your head in ways you may not even realize.

As a therapist, I've worked with countless people struggling with the fallout of emotionally detached parents. The tough truth is that it creates deep emotional wounds that can lead to all sorts of unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors if left unaddressed.

Now don't get me wrong, there's a whole spectrum when it comes to emotionally unavailable parents. On one end you have the parents who are physically present but emotionally checked out - always zoned out on their phone or absorbed in other distractions instead of being attuned to their child's needs.

Then you have the harsher, overtly rejecting types who make their children feel outright unwanted through unloving words and actions. Maybe they constantly criticized and belittled you as a kid. Or maybe they just never expressed warmth, affection, or interest in your inner emotional life.

And it only gets more complicated from there. Some emotionally unavailable parents oscillate between being engaged one moment and completely aloof the next, keeping their kids walking on eggshells. Others are deeply self-absorbed, only capable of relating if the child's thoughts and feelings revolve around them.

No matter how it shows up, the underlying theme is the same: Your parents were unable (or unwilling) to consistently nurture you in the way every child vitally needs to develop a secure foundation of self-worth.

The tricky part is that your parents' emotional unavailability often had very little to do with you. Maybe they grew up in an environment that was hostile to emotions. Or suffered from mental health issues like depression or anxiety that made it extremely difficult to be present.

But at the end of the day, their reasons don't change how you experienced it. When your parents can't meet your emotional needs, it shapes your whole frame of reference for relationships and can lead to struggles like:

• Fear of abandonment and desperate attempts to please others

• Numbness and difficulty identifying/expressing emotions

• Lack of confidence/self-compassion

• Anxious or avoidant attachment patterns

• People-pleasing tendencies

• Attracting other emotionally unavailable partners

The hard truth is that your parents' emotional unavailability created deficits and blind spots that now show up through dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors in your adult life.

So what can you do about it? The first step is having the courage to face these uncomfortable realities head on without judgment. From there, practices like cognitive behavioral therapy can help you become more aware of the unhealthy thought patterns fueling your actions, and start replacing them with more self-compassionate mindsets.

It's not easy work by any means. Reparenting yourself and filling the emotional gaps left by unavailable caregivers is an ongoing process. But it's one of the most worthwhile inner journeys you can take to heal your relationship with yourself. Only then can you show up more authentically in your relationships with others.

Are you ready to begin the journey of re-parenting yourself? Learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, or contact me with any questions.